Stop and Stare

Our lives are a story... each chapter unique. Some chapters better than others... This particular chapter is one of the hardest.

What do you do when you wake up and don't recognize the person in the mirror? It was the eyes that gave it away. The eyes overflowing with pain, regret, and guilt. This person I saw was not the person I expected to see or the person I wanted to be.

Music is a beautiful thing and it's amazing to me that sometimes you hear a song and feel like that song was written for the particular chapter of your life. There is a song called "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic. The lyrics to this song describe the current season of my life.

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Stop and Stare by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...
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I've become what I can't be...

I called on God this morning. It had been too long. Today I felt so far removed... I guess I had hit a point of desperation. It's funny that we often wait until we hit rock bottom to call on Him. It had been too long for me. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was truly connected to God. I've just been living...mistake after mistake after mistake! It's an awful feeling to know right from wrong and yet too often you still choose the wrong. Temptations of the world are heavy and so is the guilt that comes along with those temptations. My guilt has become a burden... a burden so heavy...that I can't carry it alone anymore. I am not my past and I am not the mistakes that I've made. Temptation does not come from our Heavenly father and neither does the guilt associated with those temptations. I'm forgiven for my past and I have a clean slate. A blank page to write a new chapter in this ongoing story. It's a beautiful story...

Stop and stare at the blank page. As I begin to write my new chapter...