Rain

I woke up this morning and heard an unfamiliar noise... it was RAINING!!! I was actually really excited. Before I moved to California, I wasn't really a fan of the rain. It always seemed to ruin plans or just serve as an inconvenience. But when you move to a place that is sunny all the time, the slightest change in temperature or weather kind of puts a smile on your face. I've always grown up with seasons...I'm use to the weather changing. So I welcome the change.

The rain this morning reminded me that God is a God of change as well.

Speaking of change... change is hard, but I think it's okay. I think change can often be a good thing. We definitely learn through change and it can often prove to be a tremendous way to grow. I think my generation is a generation of changers...haha. We are no longer satisfied with staying in one place for too long or even with the same job for too long. I wonder if it is a lack of contentment or just a characteristic of a generation. We were raised to not settle, dream big, etc... Well for me that means frequent change. Now I'm not trying to get really deep here... remember these are just my thoughts. Throwing them out there.

I'm going to work on my letter of intent this weekend for Gonzaga University. I am applying for my Masters in Communication and Leadership. Financially...getting my Masters scares me. But I've always trusted that God will provide and thus far he has...

I'm looking at other Masters programs as well. I'm going to try to take the first few classes while I'm working and see how that goes. If I like it, I may continue doing that or possibly try and go back to school full time. Don't worry... I'll keep you posted.

I'm extremely thankful it's the weekend! Well I will be sure to let you know if anything exciting happens this weekend.

It rained today! The rain made my day and I don't think I've ever said that before.

Phillipians 2:5

Tomorrow is Friday... Thank God! It's been a long week.

I tend to overthink things... Not sure where I get this from. It's very interesting because I'm actually a pretty impulsive person (which has got me in trouble numerous times). But then there are times when I think about things until my head hurts... I guess a little bit of impulse and thought can be a good thing when you mix them all together.

I've paused on Chazown right now. I'm trying to not rush through the book. I'm still reading the book, but pausing to pray about this vision God has for me. I want to make sure that it's the right one. So I'm stopping at the current chapter I'm at to really pray about it.

I'm torn about going back to school. Money is always an issue... If there were no financial concerns, I'm pretty sure I would go back in a heartbeat. Then I was trying to think if it would be wise to go full time or continue working. The idea of being back on a college campus is so appealing to me. But I can't make my decision based on me missing the good ol' college days.

I'm going to begin to really start praying for my wife. Don't laugh... Yes I hope to get married one of these days. I was looking at pictures on Facebook last night and ran across one of my fraternity brothers that just had a baby. First off...that's crazy. But wonderful at the same time. A family is definitely something that I want one of these days. So I'm praying for my wife and that God is preparing both of our hearts.

Had a good workout tonight. I'm looking forward to catching up on some television. Thursday night is a big night for TV. I'm slightly addicted to television and don't know what I would do without a DVR.

Okay I feel like I'm rambling now, so I'm going to go.

Phillipians 2:5 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." This will be my focus for tomorrow.

God? Attitude? eBay?

Does anyone really like their job? I find it so hard to be satisfied with my current job. I can't figure out if this is because it's not going along with my Chazown...or if I just need a better attitude. Believe me, I'm thankful that I have a job... but it's tough to have a good attitude when you don't completely enjoy what you are doing. I prayed for a better attitude at work today. There were some things that happened at work that just really put me in a mood that almost ruined my day. The enemy likes to attack you when you are doing well. I had a great day yesterday so... it was time to attack. I was much more prepared this time.

Then I had ordered this item on eBay that is really hard to find and when it arrived today it was completely broken... not even useable. I'm hoping that I get my money back for that.

This morning I thought that God talked to me but I'm not exactly sure... I know that sounds a little crazy. But I can't figure out if it was just me talking to myself or if God was really speaking to me. I've been seriously considering going back to school to get my Master's and be a teacher. I've been praying about this decision and if this is the vision that God is placing on my heart. This morning I was reading Luke and it was talking about Jesus teaching in the synagogues and teaching his disciples. After praying this morning...as I was getting in my car to go to work. I think God was saying over and over again. "Michael, you will teach the generations and be a good teacher just as Jesus was." That's what I heard. It wasn't a loud and audible voice... but simply a voice in my head. But there were two voices. As God was saying "Michael, you will teach the generations and be a good teacher just as Jesus was." the other voice was saying... "Are you sure? Really? Is this God" I just realize that I admitted there were two voices in my head this morning... does that make me crazy? Haha. Maybe!

Well then I'm crazy for the will God has in my life. I'm continuing to pray that he will be very clear and if it was God... I'm hoping to hear from him again.

Let me see how I can tie this all together... Sorry I've got nothing. Haha.

God...Attitude...eBay

Tomorrow is a new day!

God's Non-Fiction Shelf

I had a great workout last night. I enjoy going to the gym. It's amazing how much better you feel when you excercise. I'm trying to get back into my routine. I was a workout machine there for a while...haha.

Back at work on this wonderful Tuesday. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends from college. I am blessed to have such great friends and family.

As I continued to read Chazown last night you really start to realize that finding your Chazown or the vision God has for your life is not the easiest task. I never once thought it would be easy...partly the reason why it's taken me so long to open this book. It's challenging to think about your core values, spritual gifts, and past experiences (both good and bad). But according to Craig, once you pin those down you will begin to see the relation between the three thus reveavling God's vision for you. Of course this doesn't happen over night... I believe that it involves prayer and patience as well. It's a little frustrating to think that the dream you've been following might not be the purpose God intended you to accomplish. It's also empowering, because once we begin to live out God's purpose according to His plan. We are unstoppable!

It's definitely a battle though. Like I said in a previous entry... Writing a new chapter doesn't happen over night. Sure you can sit down and write a chapter in a fiction book in one setting... but that's the point! This story of our lives is not a fiction novel. It's on God's Non-Fiction shelf! You can only write one page each day... I think it's kind of funny that I have all these references to chapters, stories, and books. I don't really enjoy reading...haha. But I think it makes sense if you think about it all this way. It helps me and I hope that it helps someone out there too.

Oh it's Monday...

So I've had some people contact me to say they read my blog. At first my stomach kind of drops and you feel a little vulnerable... Then they say that they have dealt with or are dealing with the same issues. That is comforting and encouraging to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. I have always known this, but until you open up a true dialogue with other people, it's impossible to grow. We are not fighting this battle alone!

I definitely didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Every part of my body was telling me it was a Monday! But I snoozed the alarm a few times and dragged myself out of bed. I was able to squeeze in a little reading time this morning as well.

I've started reading a book that I've wanted to read for the longest time. To be honest... I haven't picked up the book because I was scared of the book. I know that sounds crazy. The book is called Chazown by Craig Groeschel. Craig is the pastor of Life Church back home. I really miss getting to go to Life. Back to the book... Chazown - Hebrew for "vision" - God's unique plan for your personal fulfillment. It's about discovering your core values, realizing your spiritual gifts, and learning to use past experiences to form your future.

"Setbacks are often setups for God to work"

Well I better get back to work. I got a new neighbor today at work. His name is Reggie. I had been sitting alone for a while, so it will be nice to have someone to talk to at work. He is a nice guy. Definitely had a lot more energy than I did this morning...

Living Without Vision

It's more difficult than you think to write a new chapter in your story. It's not just putting words down on paper or typing them in a blog. Writing a new chapter takes time and you can only write one page each day. Plus I have to realize that I'm only a co-author in this story... God is writing the other half. In fact he has already written his half... I know that I must seek him to complete this chapter.

I had lunch with my neighbor today. My neighbor is wonderful and has a wonderful heart...so genuine. I felt disheartened that I couldn't fully express the things on my heart today. We are always so afraid of being judged by others that we dance around the issues. I wanted to express to my neighbor my need to reconnect with God on a deeper spiritual level. I wanted to say that this person I had become was not the person that God intended me to be. I wanted to say that I was searching for my VISION. But I didn't really feel like I could convey those things. She just listened...which is often what we are all looking for...someone to listen to us...someone to hear us.

Where there is no vision that you were created to have a growing, lifelong, and personal relationship with your Creator, your inner being withers and dies.

Where there is no vision that you have been placed on earth to matter deeply to other people, and reveal God's love and power to htem, you live in loneliness and your relationships perish.

I'm ready to find this vision. I'm ready to bring new life to my inner being. I'm ready to recognize the person that I've been staring at in the mirror.

I've started to write this chapter many times before... and always left it incomplete. I'm picking up where I left off...the good news is that my co-author... He's still around and always will be!

Stop and Stare

Our lives are a story... each chapter unique. Some chapters better than others... This particular chapter is one of the hardest.

What do you do when you wake up and don't recognize the person in the mirror? It was the eyes that gave it away. The eyes overflowing with pain, regret, and guilt. This person I saw was not the person I expected to see or the person I wanted to be.

Music is a beautiful thing and it's amazing to me that sometimes you hear a song and feel like that song was written for the particular chapter of your life. There is a song called "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic. The lyrics to this song describe the current season of my life.

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Stop and Stare by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...
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I've become what I can't be...

I called on God this morning. It had been too long. Today I felt so far removed... I guess I had hit a point of desperation. It's funny that we often wait until we hit rock bottom to call on Him. It had been too long for me. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was truly connected to God. I've just been living...mistake after mistake after mistake! It's an awful feeling to know right from wrong and yet too often you still choose the wrong. Temptations of the world are heavy and so is the guilt that comes along with those temptations. My guilt has become a burden... a burden so heavy...that I can't carry it alone anymore. I am not my past and I am not the mistakes that I've made. Temptation does not come from our Heavenly father and neither does the guilt associated with those temptations. I'm forgiven for my past and I have a clean slate. A blank page to write a new chapter in this ongoing story. It's a beautiful story...

Stop and stare at the blank page. As I begin to write my new chapter...