So this was Christmas...

So it has been too long since I've posted on here. I guess I got caught up in the Holidays. Coming off a tough week at work, I was really looking forward to getting back to OKC to spend some quality time friends and family.

Christmas was different this year. It didn't really feel like Christmas to me. I'm not sure if it was the weather in LA or just the fact that the Holidays snuck up on me this year. Either way, it was still a great Christmas. I really enjoyed getting to spend time with my family in OKC. Unlike previous years, I really wanted to spend as much time with family as I could. I'm normally quick to get out and hang out with friends, but I made it a point to stick around the family a bit more this year.

As much as they drive me crazy, they really are so important to me. My family has such an interesting dynamic. We don't come from money and we were all raised a bit non traditionally, we argue a lot, BUT there is this closeness between everyone that is unlike anything I've seen in a lot of other families. Definitely a lot of love mixed into all the playful fighting. A closeness that I wouldn't trade for anything. It's hard to explain, but there is definitely a tremendous amount of communication and love which I don't see with many other families. For that... I am extremely blessed and thankful.

I just flew from OKC back to LA on Wednesday. I was suppose to go to work on Wednesday but my flight was delayed and caused me to get in too late. Luckily, there wasn't anything important happening at work. I'm actually flying back to OKC today. I know, I'm a bit crazy. But I want to spend New Years in Dallas with some close friends. So we will drive from OKC to Dallas tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting to spend time with my friends in Dallas. One of my best friends and his wife live in Orlando and they will be in town tomorrow. Plus I will get to see the Frys, the Nguyens, the almost Grinnells, the almost Tates... yes all my friends are pretty much married. My day will come one day... God willing...

So I'm still waiting to hear from Gonzaga. I think I should hear something this week or next week. My sister was trying to get me to move back to Oklahoma while I was in town. It's tempting... but I'm not sure that is something I want to do. I'm praying that God will direct my future steps and lead me in the right direction.

God is really amazing and I'm so thankful for the family and friends that he has blessed me with. I do feel extremely fortunate to have such amazing people in my life.

So this was Christmas... and it was wonderful.

the floor is falling...

So I wanted to quit my job this morning... Came pretty close to putting in my 2 weeks actually. Then I started to think... How are you going to pay your rent? I was proabably about 2 minutes away from quitting.

Today has been a tough day. Everyday you feel like you are searching...just searching for what is right...what will make you happy and excited to get out of bed in the morning. It's definitely not this job.

I need to begin to focus again... Whenever I lose focus for just a few days, I feel like things start to crumble around me. It's almost like the floor begins to fall and you are left teetering on this one piece, not really knowing how to get to the other side.. You want to jump, but you aren't sure you will make it to the other side. It's almost like a bad dream. So you just stand there on that one piece of floor left...scared and searching for a way to get across.

That's kind of how I feel right now... like I'm standing in the middle of the grand canyon on one big rock that lifts high above everything else. Stranded... helpless.

I need to hit the gym and hit the Word tonight. God please be with me through this... give me understanding and clarity to make the right decisions. Give me strengh to fight.

Is it Saturday?

Very short trip to NYC. I flew in Wed. night and left Friday. There is something about that city that I just love. I know everything happens for a reason...but a big part of me wishes I would have stayed in NYC for another year. I probably should have given the city a little more time. I'm not really sure why I ran from the city so fast. I guess a good lesson could be when the going gets tough... stick it out...don't pack up and run. But I'm here on the West coast and needing to make the best of it. I'm giving it some time...

Today is a beautiful day in Santa Monica. Dustin, Charlotte, and I went to a hip/hop class this morning. It was way too beginner for me...but they enjoyed it. It was good to get out of the apartment and get some cardio this morning. Then we grabbed some lunch. There is a ton of stuff I need to do today, but still feeling really tired. I think the quick trip to NYC really threw me off. With the 6 hour flights there and back and the time change. I'm feeling a bit out of it. I woke up this morning thinking I had to be at work, then realized it is Saturday.

I should hear before Christmas whether or not I was accepted to Gonzaga's Master's program. Looking forward to finding out... even though if I do get in... it creates some tough decisions I have to make. I'm still praying for clarity in this whole decision.

Going to try to get out of the apartment tonight and go to a holiday party that I was invited to. There is a girl named Liz who works at MTV and she invited me to a holiday party that her parents throw every year at their house. Could be really awkward... but I told her I would go, so I need to. I imagine it will be similar to those Christmas parties at peoples houses that you see on TV. People dressed nice... eating finger foods... and socializing. I think it will be a good time. I may need to take a nap first though. Meeting new people always takes a lot of energy.

I'm looking forward to another short week at work. I leave Thursday night to fly back to OKC for the Holidays. It will be nice to see friends and family. Always refreshing and a much needed recharge.

I want to get married... so if anyone wants to start helping me find a wife. That would be great. Thanks.

Back in NYC

I flew to NYC today and I'm currently sitting in my hotel. It's late here, but I'm still on LA time that is 3 hours ahead of NYC. The flight here was actually really great. I had a whole row to myself and was able to completely lie down. This is rare with the coast to coast flights. They are normally packed. But I watched a movie and then took a long nap. Before I knew it...we were in New York. I miss this city!

I'm here for work and for mtvU's Holiday Party. We have meetings all day tomorrow and then the Holiday party is tomorrow night. Then back on a plane to LA on Friday.

I will try to write more later. I actually just got tired and think I will head to bed now.

Lovin' be back back in NYC!

The Weekend... San Francisco Treat

I spent the weekend in San Francisco. I have a Fraternity brother that works for Google and he invited me up for the weekend. San Francisco is a really beautiful city and I had a great time. I hadn't seen Welter in a few months and it's always good to catch up with friends. We went to the Google Holiday party as well. Google is a pretty incredible company and they definitely do all they can to keep their employees happy. The Google complex, as I like to call it, was insane. I really enjoyed my visit, but don't think San Fran is a city I'd move to.

This week I will finish up the application process for graduate school at Gonzaga. I should know within the next two weeks whether or not I get accepted into the program. I'm still praying about all of this and hope that God will provide a way for this to all happen if it's His will.

I'm flying to NYC on Wed. for work. I miss NYC a lot so I'm looking forward to going back and freezing my butt off. Haha. I'm sure it will be extremely cold there.

Being a light in this dark world is not the easiest thing. I think it's important to realize that living the life we have been called to live is not easy. I found myself getting very frustrated with myself last week. I was having a discussion with some people at work... The conversation started with us talking about a movie... then led to politics... and evenutally religion. It was definitely one of those moments that God provided me an opportunity to share my faith with some co workers. I was open about my faith and discussed why I believed what I believed. But then begin to face some tough questions about the Bible and more in depth questions about my religion. I felt like I failed in a way because I wasn't able to answer some of their questions. Faith is what I stand on and it's often easy for a non believer to argue against that. I pray that the next time I have this conversation with my co workers that God will guide my words. Hopefully I was able to plant some type of a seed. I have a ton of growing left to do and hope I never stop growing. I invited one of them to church with me.

Back to work tomorrow. It will be a short week in the office due to my NYC trip.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and family at Christmas. Only 11 more days until I fly home.

Checkout

I guess I have missed a few days of posting. The Holidays in LA are strange to me. It's December, but yesterday I could have worn shorts. But everyone that is from LA have their scarf and coat. They try to act like it's cold...but it's not! I just think that's kind of amusing.

Work has been going okay. It looks like I'll be traveling to NYC next week for work. I love getting to go back to NYC, because I really miss it. It's also a very tiring to spend 6 hours on a plane and then deal with a three hour time change. But I'm definitely not complaining I enjoy getting to travel.

I am flying to San Fransisco tomorrow evening to visit one of my Fraternity brothers. He works for Google! I think that's pretty cool. Chris (another one of my fraternity brothers) is going as well. We are all going to the Google Christmas Party. Google was voted the number 1 company to work for... so I'm sure this will be an event to talk about.

I've beginning studying for an exam to get into Grad school. I'm almost finished with the application and the only thing missing are my exam scores. I'm a little worreid about the exam because I'm not good at taking tests... But I figure if I'm meant to get into Gonzaga then it will all work out.

Yesterday I was in Barnes and Noble buying some Christmas cards and as I stood there in the long line to check out... the person in front of me and behind me started talking. Just chatting about how long the line was taking, the weather, snow...etc. At first, I wanted them to stop because I knew that since I was in the middle it was only a matter of time before they included me in their checkout line chatter. Sure enough the lady started asking me questions... I talked to her for a bit but was also relieved when the cashier finally said "next person in line". I don't want to be that person that is annoyed with the nosey lady asking me questions about my Christmas card. But I was that person last night... After I walked out of the store, I kind of felt bad for being annoyed with the lady behind me. People no matter where they live are longing for relationships or contact with others. For all I know, I could have been the only person that woman got to talk to all day long. My point is that I missed a good opportunity to let God's light shine last night. I was too caught up in the "me" game again. Of course, I was cordial and spoke to the woman... but I simply answered the 20 questions she had for me. I wasn't genuinely engaging in a conversation with her. Jesus would have stopped and talked to that woman, just because she obviously just wanted someone to talk to.

So the point of all that... You never know when God is giving you an opportunity to show his love. Don't be selfish... try to show God's love regardless of if you feel annoyed or inconvenienced. Hopefully I will get another opportunity soon.

Back to work. I'm going to make it a good day!

We are the car... God is the gas...

I went to church here in LA on Sunday. When I first moved out here, I started going to a church called Mosaic. It was the closest thing I could find to LifeChurch. The praise and worship on Sunday was all Christmas songs. It really put me in the mood for Christmas even though it was really warm outside. It was funny though because all of the LA people were wearing a scarf and talking about how cold it was outside... They don't know cold. But I guess this is winter to them...

The message on Sunday was great and one thing in particular really stuck out to me.

"God sometimes has to meet us where we are to take us to where we can't go without him."

How true is that? I know that has definitely been true for me in this season of my life. God never leaves us and is always searching to be closer to us. But he isn't afraid to meet us in those low points to take us to where we need to go... a place we can't get without him. How wonderful to think about tomorrow and the places we can go when God is leading us.

Back to the grind on Monday. Today was a tough day at work. But tomorrow is a new day and I'm thankful for that. Starting this weekend I will be flying somewhere every weekend for the rest of the month. I enjoy traveling, but it's exhausting at the same time.

I would share more about my day at work... but I know that I would do more complaining than explaining. So to keep the negativity to a minimum, I'm going to skip that part and focus on how I can make tomorrow a better day.

Headed to the gym to clear my head...

Don't let your gas tank get to empty... We are the car... God is the gas. We can't get where we need to go without Him!

7-Eleven, But No Snow!

I didn't get much done today. The day just kind of got away from me.

I went to rent a movie last night at Blockbuster. Yes, I was renting a movie on a Friday night. I was only there for a short time and walked out to find a $35 parking ticket on my car. Needless to say, I was a bit upset. But I should have put a quarter in the meter. I would have saved my self $34.75, if I would have just put one quarter in the meter. I still think it's dumb they give parking tickets out at the Blockbuster parking lot!

It was cool here in LA today. The wind was blowing hard and it reminded me of Oklahoma... minus the palm trees.

It made me think back to change again and how thankful I was for getting to put a jacket on when I walked outside today. You'd be surprised how much you miss the little things. I guess that's true with anything, not just the weather.

I watched LifeChurch online tonight. They have a service in OKC at 7pm and I'm able to watch it live here at 5pm. It's amazing how many ways God speaks to you. He speaks to us through his word, through other people, and lately he's spoke to me through the weather. Tonight's sermon was talking about Jesus, our Wonderful Counselor! It was a great message for this season of my life. Craig talked about getting really honest and telling God what you were sick with. Not necessarily in a physical state. It was encouraging because I felt like that has been something I've been doing this past couple of days. Getting really honest with God and myself.

I went to 7-Eleven tonight... which by the way they are only convenience stores and not gas stations. There is no gas in front. Kind of strange... But this old man was yelling at the cashier and she was yelling back at him. There were probably 6 people in the store that were just watching (and trying to act like they weren't) as these two people just yelled awful things at one another. So I stepped to the counter and just said to both of them "Merry Christmas to everyone." Haha! I don't know why or where that came from. But it did cause them to stop arguing for a second. They paused...both looked over at me...and then turned back and continued to yell obscenities. I felt for a second like I was in a Christmas movie and looked out the window hoping it would be snowing... But it wasn't.

Rain

I woke up this morning and heard an unfamiliar noise... it was RAINING!!! I was actually really excited. Before I moved to California, I wasn't really a fan of the rain. It always seemed to ruin plans or just serve as an inconvenience. But when you move to a place that is sunny all the time, the slightest change in temperature or weather kind of puts a smile on your face. I've always grown up with seasons...I'm use to the weather changing. So I welcome the change.

The rain this morning reminded me that God is a God of change as well.

Speaking of change... change is hard, but I think it's okay. I think change can often be a good thing. We definitely learn through change and it can often prove to be a tremendous way to grow. I think my generation is a generation of changers...haha. We are no longer satisfied with staying in one place for too long or even with the same job for too long. I wonder if it is a lack of contentment or just a characteristic of a generation. We were raised to not settle, dream big, etc... Well for me that means frequent change. Now I'm not trying to get really deep here... remember these are just my thoughts. Throwing them out there.

I'm going to work on my letter of intent this weekend for Gonzaga University. I am applying for my Masters in Communication and Leadership. Financially...getting my Masters scares me. But I've always trusted that God will provide and thus far he has...

I'm looking at other Masters programs as well. I'm going to try to take the first few classes while I'm working and see how that goes. If I like it, I may continue doing that or possibly try and go back to school full time. Don't worry... I'll keep you posted.

I'm extremely thankful it's the weekend! Well I will be sure to let you know if anything exciting happens this weekend.

It rained today! The rain made my day and I don't think I've ever said that before.

Phillipians 2:5

Tomorrow is Friday... Thank God! It's been a long week.

I tend to overthink things... Not sure where I get this from. It's very interesting because I'm actually a pretty impulsive person (which has got me in trouble numerous times). But then there are times when I think about things until my head hurts... I guess a little bit of impulse and thought can be a good thing when you mix them all together.

I've paused on Chazown right now. I'm trying to not rush through the book. I'm still reading the book, but pausing to pray about this vision God has for me. I want to make sure that it's the right one. So I'm stopping at the current chapter I'm at to really pray about it.

I'm torn about going back to school. Money is always an issue... If there were no financial concerns, I'm pretty sure I would go back in a heartbeat. Then I was trying to think if it would be wise to go full time or continue working. The idea of being back on a college campus is so appealing to me. But I can't make my decision based on me missing the good ol' college days.

I'm going to begin to really start praying for my wife. Don't laugh... Yes I hope to get married one of these days. I was looking at pictures on Facebook last night and ran across one of my fraternity brothers that just had a baby. First off...that's crazy. But wonderful at the same time. A family is definitely something that I want one of these days. So I'm praying for my wife and that God is preparing both of our hearts.

Had a good workout tonight. I'm looking forward to catching up on some television. Thursday night is a big night for TV. I'm slightly addicted to television and don't know what I would do without a DVR.

Okay I feel like I'm rambling now, so I'm going to go.

Phillipians 2:5 "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus." This will be my focus for tomorrow.

God? Attitude? eBay?

Does anyone really like their job? I find it so hard to be satisfied with my current job. I can't figure out if this is because it's not going along with my Chazown...or if I just need a better attitude. Believe me, I'm thankful that I have a job... but it's tough to have a good attitude when you don't completely enjoy what you are doing. I prayed for a better attitude at work today. There were some things that happened at work that just really put me in a mood that almost ruined my day. The enemy likes to attack you when you are doing well. I had a great day yesterday so... it was time to attack. I was much more prepared this time.

Then I had ordered this item on eBay that is really hard to find and when it arrived today it was completely broken... not even useable. I'm hoping that I get my money back for that.

This morning I thought that God talked to me but I'm not exactly sure... I know that sounds a little crazy. But I can't figure out if it was just me talking to myself or if God was really speaking to me. I've been seriously considering going back to school to get my Master's and be a teacher. I've been praying about this decision and if this is the vision that God is placing on my heart. This morning I was reading Luke and it was talking about Jesus teaching in the synagogues and teaching his disciples. After praying this morning...as I was getting in my car to go to work. I think God was saying over and over again. "Michael, you will teach the generations and be a good teacher just as Jesus was." That's what I heard. It wasn't a loud and audible voice... but simply a voice in my head. But there were two voices. As God was saying "Michael, you will teach the generations and be a good teacher just as Jesus was." the other voice was saying... "Are you sure? Really? Is this God" I just realize that I admitted there were two voices in my head this morning... does that make me crazy? Haha. Maybe!

Well then I'm crazy for the will God has in my life. I'm continuing to pray that he will be very clear and if it was God... I'm hoping to hear from him again.

Let me see how I can tie this all together... Sorry I've got nothing. Haha.

God...Attitude...eBay

Tomorrow is a new day!

God's Non-Fiction Shelf

I had a great workout last night. I enjoy going to the gym. It's amazing how much better you feel when you excercise. I'm trying to get back into my routine. I was a workout machine there for a while...haha.

Back at work on this wonderful Tuesday. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends from college. I am blessed to have such great friends and family.

As I continued to read Chazown last night you really start to realize that finding your Chazown or the vision God has for your life is not the easiest task. I never once thought it would be easy...partly the reason why it's taken me so long to open this book. It's challenging to think about your core values, spritual gifts, and past experiences (both good and bad). But according to Craig, once you pin those down you will begin to see the relation between the three thus reveavling God's vision for you. Of course this doesn't happen over night... I believe that it involves prayer and patience as well. It's a little frustrating to think that the dream you've been following might not be the purpose God intended you to accomplish. It's also empowering, because once we begin to live out God's purpose according to His plan. We are unstoppable!

It's definitely a battle though. Like I said in a previous entry... Writing a new chapter doesn't happen over night. Sure you can sit down and write a chapter in a fiction book in one setting... but that's the point! This story of our lives is not a fiction novel. It's on God's Non-Fiction shelf! You can only write one page each day... I think it's kind of funny that I have all these references to chapters, stories, and books. I don't really enjoy reading...haha. But I think it makes sense if you think about it all this way. It helps me and I hope that it helps someone out there too.

Oh it's Monday...

So I've had some people contact me to say they read my blog. At first my stomach kind of drops and you feel a little vulnerable... Then they say that they have dealt with or are dealing with the same issues. That is comforting and encouraging to know that you aren't alone in your struggles. I have always known this, but until you open up a true dialogue with other people, it's impossible to grow. We are not fighting this battle alone!

I definitely didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Every part of my body was telling me it was a Monday! But I snoozed the alarm a few times and dragged myself out of bed. I was able to squeeze in a little reading time this morning as well.

I've started reading a book that I've wanted to read for the longest time. To be honest... I haven't picked up the book because I was scared of the book. I know that sounds crazy. The book is called Chazown by Craig Groeschel. Craig is the pastor of Life Church back home. I really miss getting to go to Life. Back to the book... Chazown - Hebrew for "vision" - God's unique plan for your personal fulfillment. It's about discovering your core values, realizing your spiritual gifts, and learning to use past experiences to form your future.

"Setbacks are often setups for God to work"

Well I better get back to work. I got a new neighbor today at work. His name is Reggie. I had been sitting alone for a while, so it will be nice to have someone to talk to at work. He is a nice guy. Definitely had a lot more energy than I did this morning...

Living Without Vision

It's more difficult than you think to write a new chapter in your story. It's not just putting words down on paper or typing them in a blog. Writing a new chapter takes time and you can only write one page each day. Plus I have to realize that I'm only a co-author in this story... God is writing the other half. In fact he has already written his half... I know that I must seek him to complete this chapter.

I had lunch with my neighbor today. My neighbor is wonderful and has a wonderful heart...so genuine. I felt disheartened that I couldn't fully express the things on my heart today. We are always so afraid of being judged by others that we dance around the issues. I wanted to express to my neighbor my need to reconnect with God on a deeper spiritual level. I wanted to say that this person I had become was not the person that God intended me to be. I wanted to say that I was searching for my VISION. But I didn't really feel like I could convey those things. She just listened...which is often what we are all looking for...someone to listen to us...someone to hear us.

Where there is no vision that you were created to have a growing, lifelong, and personal relationship with your Creator, your inner being withers and dies.

Where there is no vision that you have been placed on earth to matter deeply to other people, and reveal God's love and power to htem, you live in loneliness and your relationships perish.

I'm ready to find this vision. I'm ready to bring new life to my inner being. I'm ready to recognize the person that I've been staring at in the mirror.

I've started to write this chapter many times before... and always left it incomplete. I'm picking up where I left off...the good news is that my co-author... He's still around and always will be!

Stop and Stare

Our lives are a story... each chapter unique. Some chapters better than others... This particular chapter is one of the hardest.

What do you do when you wake up and don't recognize the person in the mirror? It was the eyes that gave it away. The eyes overflowing with pain, regret, and guilt. This person I saw was not the person I expected to see or the person I wanted to be.

Music is a beautiful thing and it's amazing to me that sometimes you hear a song and feel like that song was written for the particular chapter of your life. There is a song called "Stop and Stare" by OneRepublic. The lyrics to this song describe the current season of my life.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Stop and Stare by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...
----------------------------------------------------------------

I've become what I can't be...

I called on God this morning. It had been too long. Today I felt so far removed... I guess I had hit a point of desperation. It's funny that we often wait until we hit rock bottom to call on Him. It had been too long for me. I can't remember the last time I felt like I was truly connected to God. I've just been living...mistake after mistake after mistake! It's an awful feeling to know right from wrong and yet too often you still choose the wrong. Temptations of the world are heavy and so is the guilt that comes along with those temptations. My guilt has become a burden... a burden so heavy...that I can't carry it alone anymore. I am not my past and I am not the mistakes that I've made. Temptation does not come from our Heavenly father and neither does the guilt associated with those temptations. I'm forgiven for my past and I have a clean slate. A blank page to write a new chapter in this ongoing story. It's a beautiful story...

Stop and stare at the blank page. As I begin to write my new chapter...